100 Funny Quotes That Are Inspiring

funny quotes

In life, there are problems that could be solved and those without a proofing solution yet. The ability to realize that a nice compilation of the best funny quotes can help you burst into laughter and ease some stress is absolutely and incredibly amazing.

I am glad of course to let you know that your search for inspiring funny quotes stops here. This post encompasses hilarious quotes ranging from the very short funny quotes about life to the most suitable funny quotes for Instagram post and other social media platform. Let these inspirations gotten from movies and funny quotes by authors of different books that are capable to make you laugh out loud in this crazy world.

Funny quotes

  1. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel
  2. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
  3. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”– Emo Philips
  4. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin
  5. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin
  6. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley
  7. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”—Graham Norton
  8. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis
  9. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”– Claude Pepper
  10. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”– Conan O’Brien
  11. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt
  12. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel
  13. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
  14. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas
  15. “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White
  16. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett
  17. “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett
  18. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”—Sir Norman Wisdom
  19. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers
  20. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch
  21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”—Jack Handey
  22. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”– Billy Connolly
  23. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell
  24. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”—Lessons from the Minivan
  25. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln
  26. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris
  27. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry Seinfeld
  28. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
  29. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain
  30. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”—Anonymous

READ ALSO: 73 Short Inspirational Quotes You Would Love

  1. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard
  2. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”– Anton Chekhov
  3. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”—Neil DeGrasse Tyson
  4. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”– Dr. Seuss
  5. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz
  6. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin
  7. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman
  8. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher
  9. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White
  10. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
  11. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday
  12. “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald
  13. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”—David Letterman
  14. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill
  15. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle
  16. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin
  17. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman
  18. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno
  19. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley
  20. “How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”– Emo Philips
  21. “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”– Douglas Adams
  22. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb
  23. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”– Emo Philips
  24. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke

READ ALSO: 35 Famous Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes That Will Inspire You

  1. “I drink to make other people more interesting.”– Ernest Hemingway
  2. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield
  3. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
  4. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”—Groucho Marx
  5. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”– Douglas Adams
  6. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”—Jerry Seinfeld
  7. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth
  8. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson
  9. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous
  10. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
  11. “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake
  12. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”—Anonymous
  13. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”—Chandler
  14. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper
  15.  “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott
  16. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg
  17. “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”– Colonel Sanders
  18. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”– Billy Connolly
  19. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
  20. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold
  21. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
  22. “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”– Bill Vaughan
  23. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel
  24. “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk
  25. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”– Earl Wilson
  26. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama
  27. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers
  28. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
  29. “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves
  30. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous
  31. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry
  32. “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz
  33. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower
  34. “Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”– Enid Blyton

READ ALSO: 140+ Children Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness In Your Kids

  1. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes
  2. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”—Pete
  3. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein
  4. “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan
  5. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell
  6. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea
  7. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”—Bobby Boucher
  8.  “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
  9. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”—Dave Barry
  10.  “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”—Frank Semyon
  11. “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”– Doug Larson
  12. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres

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