In life, there are problems that could be solved and those without a proofing solution yet. The ability to realize that a nice compilation of the best funny quotes can help you burst into laughter and ease some stress is absolutely and incredibly amazing.
I am glad of course to let you know that your search for inspiring funny quotes stops here. This post encompasses hilarious quotes ranging from the very short funny quotes about life to the most suitable funny quotes for Instagram post and other social media platform. Let these inspirations gotten from movies and funny quotes by authors of different books that are capable to make you laugh out loud in this crazy world.
Funny quotes
- “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
- “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”– Emo Philips
- “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin
- “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley
- “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”—Graham Norton
- “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis
- “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”– Claude Pepper
- “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”– Conan O’Brien
- “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt
- “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel
- “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
- “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas
- “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White
- “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett
- “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”—Sir Norman Wisdom
- “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers
- “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch
- “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”—Jack Handey
- “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”– Billy Connolly
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell
- “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”—Lessons from the Minivan
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln
- “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris
- “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry Seinfeld
- “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”—Anonymous
READ ALSO: 73 Short Inspirational Quotes You Would Love
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard
- “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”– Anton Chekhov
- “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”—Neil DeGrasse Tyson
- “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”– Dr. Seuss
- “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz
- “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin
- “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman
- “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher
- “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White
- “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
- “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday
- “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald
- “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”—David Letterman
- “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill
- “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle
- “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin
- “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman
- “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno
- “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley
- “How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”– Emo Philips
- “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”– Douglas Adams
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb
- “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”– Emo Philips
- “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke
READ ALSO: 35 Famous Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes That Will Inspire You
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.”– Ernest Hemingway
- “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
- “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”—Groucho Marx
- “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”– Douglas Adams
- “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”—Jerry Seinfeld
- “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth
- “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson
- “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
- “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake
- “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”—Anonymous
- “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”—Chandler
- “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott
- “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg
- “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”– Colonel Sanders
- “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”– Billy Connolly
- “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
- “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold
- “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
- “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”– Bill Vaughan
- “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel
- “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”– Earl Wilson
- “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama
- “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers
- “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
- “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves
- “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous
- “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry
- “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz
- “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower
- “Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”– Enid Blyton
READ ALSO: 140+ Children Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness In Your Kids
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes
- “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”—Pete
- “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein
- “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan
- “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell
- “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea
- “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”—Bobby Boucher
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
- “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”—Dave Barry
- “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”—Frank Semyon
- “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”– Doug Larson
- “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Are there other funny quotes you would like to add? Leave it in the comment below.
