Something happened some years ago that made me feel like I’ll never find love again.
I had always looked to a day where I will be able to share how unfair loving a man turns out to be, and how the very word (love) I hear makes a lot of people happy, turned out to be a bag of thorns for me.
If only I was able to foresee what awaits my love life, love would be the last thing I will have to look at in life and likely won’t consider it worth the time loving a man even in the end.
This is probably a story I wouldn’t want my mother to know, several times I have tried to voice out to her but it weighs me down never to say a thing in this regards because she had earlier warned me about men and how deception through love can shatter me.
As a little girl, growing up in a country where much attention is given to the younger ones, many are getting attracted to me and this began to give my mother a serious concern that I could be misled into been a bad girl.
There’s actually no disrespect for all my mother has advised me about loving a man, but the request became many and I had to give it a try by loving someone for the very first time.
I thought love is an art where two gather to make nice painting and with brushes strokes make things look good as it was supposed to be, and I could have one to add meaning to my life.
On a faithful afternoon, the weather was hot and I had to join a few of my friends to visit the beach and catch fun with people from the neighbourhood.
Firstly we stayed under the little shade at the beach as Christen decided to tell us some beach tales on who lives on the beach.
The story was very interesting not until she said something about the attack of Piranhas and how dangerous this family of Serrasalmidae could be and how fast it can empty the flesh of humans on the beach.
I became scared after listening to Christen’s story about the beach and I decided to stay some feet away from the beach as they have their fun with the beach water. I remember telling them softly to stay safe at the beach while I wait for you up there I pointed to a stand.
Not long after I spread my mat on the floor, I heard a foot walk from behind. I quickly turned my face to take a look, it was a face blurred at first due to the sun, I didn’t bother seeing clearly who it was until I heard my name, Joan!
I stood up and placed my left hand on my forehead to shade the sun, it was a face so familiar, probably from the mini-store when my family went shopping during the Easter celebration.
Hey, my name is Josh you remember?
He asked with a soft smile on his face, the smile is capable of melting the heart. He has this alluring appearance that seems irresistible as I looked at him for a while and then said my name is Joan.
Yeah, I remember, nice seeing you here. He sat beside me and began to share a bunch of stories with me which I really enjoyed.
His stories made me almost forgot I came to the beach with friends, they were all interesting stories and helped me heal boredom.
My responses could leave him with the feeling that he is saying something I like, even if the stories are made up, there was no need verifying its authenticity since its all for making the moment an interesting and memorable one.
My friends are almost done at the beach and walking down to the side I was, Josh quickly asked me of when next I will be free and how we could meet, I said let’s meet at the mini store the next day. Maybe I was too fast tho…
He quietly stood up and greeted my friends as they approach us before he left. I looked at him severally in a way I think my friends won’t understand I am beginning to fall for a guy.
From afar he waved at me, though I didn’t consider waving back at him at the moment because I was with my friends and was feeling shy too.
We left the beach around 4:23 pm and all went to our parents’ houses to have some food, we would have stayed longer at the beach but everyone was hungry and we had to go.
Right at home, there were scenarios where I recall all that happened at the beach and couldn’t wait to see him tomorrow at the store.
It’s already the date, I had told mum I would want to get some cookies at the store and she had no problems giving me approval, she only requested that I be home as soon as possible.
I had stayed at the store for a while waiting for him to arrive, although it was nothing to worry about as I believed he might be delayed for a good reason.
He approached me in a surprising way covering my eyes from the back, I could perceive the fragrance of his perfume and mentioned his name, surprisingly he released his hands and was wondering how I knew it was him.
We sat at the corner off the store and started getting to know more about each other including the family and educational background that was when I realized he was the only child of his parents, it was on that very day that he asked me to be his girlfriend.
I didn’t hesitate to say yes I love him and would want him as my boyfriend. We both hugged each other, though it was my first time and I couldn’t raise my face off the floor quickly, he held me until I stood erect again and we continued our discussion for a while before we all left the store.
From that very day, we became best of friends, and always willing to assist each other, we share advises and opinions including secrets we wouldn’t feel free sharing with anyone else.
Our friendship became stronger but there’s something making it ache that it could collapse if I insist not to have sex with him.
I was still a virgin and all the sex stories I know were dreadful. Ranging from how you could contact STD and how you could become the talk of the town or bear the shame of unwanted pregnancy, this and even more, made me decide not to have sex until marriage. This actually became a problem, that I could lose my relationship over refusal to have sex.
Despite my initial decisions not to have sex until marriage, I allowed him to take my virginity for the love I got engulfed in, and am sure it will make him love me the more but little or nothing did I know, I just made the worst mistake of my life.
Days by, after taking my virginity, I was noticing some change in character that I almost feel so insecure thinking if he was discussing me with his friends or not and what if he decides to leave me for another girl? So many things were pilled up for me to ponder.
During this time, it seemed he has taken that which he needed from me, I am been given less attention and not getting text and calls from him as it was from the start of the relationship.
How quickly things are changing became so complex for my understanding, and I have always tried my best to make sure issues are resolved the same day it is detected.
I had this feeling he probably could be seeing another girl, who is making him pay less attention to me, but I had no proof to back up my claims. It was until after some days and I visited his house for a surprise visit and I turned to be the one who became surprised to see that which shattered my heart.
He was on in bed with a friend I know…
I couldn’t stand it, tears rolled down my chin, I quietly shut the door and walked away, he didn’t bother going after me, I guess he might continue his work. This is absolutely a sign that he felt no sorry.
The incident crippled our relationship and in a lonely place, I sit and watch the relationship fade just like the light from a vanishing candlestick. I found myself amidst self blames, emanating from the thoughts of what my mother had earlier advised me, I couldn’t speak this out to my mother because it’s so shameful for me to do so.
Many days and weeks went by, I didn’t hear from him, it came to me that this was how he dumped me for another girl. I regretted everything I have ever done in life loving him.
Still leaving in regrets, I have always thought things could fall back in place and he would come begging to stay back and love me as he had always done.
Right inside of me, I have this feeling it might not be his fault cheating on me, maybe he was lured to doing so by a friend who later became interested in our relationship just to make me feel hurt.
Unfortunately, he was nowhere near my assumptions, I had even tried reaching him on phone and on the social media only to find out he has blocked me, this really broke the camel’s back.
From that very moment, I developed the feeling that men are evil and I decided not to love any man again in my life.
It was very hard for me to let go, but that was the only option available to me.
Series of events took place after, thank goodness for my dear friends who were always around and willing to make me forget the bad memories and pains love caused me.
Was this really easy for me to forget you could ponder, Its almost impossible that I cried so much because I can’t get him off my mind for he is my first love who took a sudden turn against me and I can’t get back my virginity.
Regardless of whatsoever has happened, life should be surrounded with positive energies to move on as a friend would always advise me.
I became so used to tears and master the art of controlling my emotions, to let go and rebuild myself. I became stronger after letting everything pain and bleed am healed and everyone could attest to it.
Should I love again or decide not to fall in love again with any man, many other handsome guys want me around them, but I am still scared not to date or love any man again. Does this imply that I’m still living in the past or am healed indeed?
I think I learned my lessons from a heartbroken relationship, where love was lost and betrayal spread, I had earlier vowed not to love a man again but later decided to take a new step, to approach things with experiences. This was what came to my mind after receiving free relationship advice from friends.
The question has always been, will I fall in love again? Yes, I can try…
My next relationship was with a guy who had also the bad test of a relationship who had taken aware almost all he has and left him a bit stranded. I have this feeling he would have learned his lessons and since we both have an idea of what it feels like to be heartbroken, no one will mess with the other’s heart.
Whether I’m right in my decisions or not, time will tell, but I didn’t want to believe am getting lost for the second time so I have to hold onto love and forgive my past.
Things went well and I couldn’t foresee any challenges, I probably could rate this relationship the best in the world, where I am happy and feel loved. Not until the day I had to think it was all a daydream.
It was on the day next to my birthday, I visited his house, he was no way home, I walked to the family garden in search of him under the grape tree, his favourite place to read a novel he claimed was issued to him by his grandmother where many stories he told me emanates from.
It’s seemed he knew I was going to look for him there, I saw the book and a brown envelop, boldly written, Goodbye.
A lot of thoughts came to me I didn’t want to believe its another break up when am beginning to feel at home and the next day was my birthday. I concluded with faith that he might be making a draft from his favourite book.
I quickly picked up the letter and unwrapped it, it was written with a silver pen, in his usual handwriting, I always admire.
He had written a breakup letter for me, oh my God!
“You’re such a sweet girl, unfortunately I don’t think I deserve having you, please forgive me, I already have a girl and a child, she will be mad at me if she sees you any way around me. I am sorry that this has been the biggest secret I never told you, goodbye dear…The sad gift I receive from a boyfriend a day to my birthay
After seeing the letter, I became so weak and felt my body was too heavy for my feet to carry, I fell down and lay on the floor helplessly, the volume of tears was enough a pool for me.
Could this be the way my relationship ended for the second time?
But will cry solve this? He has concluded already, and the truth is here, he has deceived me to love him with all my hearts.
Not all men are bad as they would always say, but how many bad ones am I to meet before I am allowed to see the good ones?
I probably could have myself dead, in a desperate search for the good men. Therefore, they do not exist a good man and loving a man is the hell side of it.
I learned a lot through these toxic and painful relationships. I also learned that loving a man is risky and for me to stay off the risk I should never love a man again.
Honestly, I don’t have to date all men before I can simply conclude that it is a total waste of time for me trying to fall in love again for I will never fall in love with any man.