50 Funny Jokes For Newly Married Couples

funny marriage jokes

There are a lot of couples in relationships out there and not all of these relationships end happily. It’s a special thing to be part of a relationship that ends in marriage.

Honestly, marriage is no piece of cake. It can be scary sometimes, and love alone doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after. Having a good sense of humor though can help a lot and makes the bonding easier.

We have collected a list of 50 jokes for newly wedded couples to help you and your spouse create some happy and also funny memories.

Best marriage jokes that will get you and your partner laughing all-day

1. Why didn’t the pasta, like to settle down? Because it liked being a macaroni.

2. Which one of a woman’s children will never grow up? The husband.

3. What did the drumstick say to the snare drum? When are you going to let me hit.

4. What’s behind every strong beautiful woman? A man behind her asks if she is done doing her makeup.

5. What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche.

6. What did the French man give his wife for Valentine’s Day? His wee wee.

7. Why are men like parking spaces? All the good ones are taken.

8. What do prepaid phones and men have in common? They both come with no commitment plans.

9. What do men and mascara have in common? The boy runs at the first sign of emotion.

10. What did Yoda say to skywalker on his wedding day? May Divorce be with you.

11. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

12. What do women and google have in common? They don’t let you finish a sentence, without giving you suggestions.

13. Why do bridesmaids, cry at weddings? They never marry the bestman.

14. Why did the man leave his girlfriend at the restaurant, his wife walked in.

15. Why didn’t the Watermelon get married? He cantelope.

16. Where do pirates hide their treasure? In a booty hole.

17. What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

18. Why do most married men die before their wife’s? Because they want to.

19. A couple of cows were playing cards while smoking weed, yeah,  the steaks were high.

20. My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone, when he wanted to walk out, I screamed “Why are you always ignoring me”.

21. Marriage is an institution involving three rings, engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

22. My husband has been depressed for a while now,  he’s been standing by the window all day staring. If it continues I’d have to let him in.

23. My husband and I have been happy for 20 years, after that we met.

24. The doctors today asked me if I did any extreme sports, well I talk back to my wife.

25. Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins, he loses.

26. Research has shown that women with extra weight, usually live longer than men who point it out.

27. A boy was having diarrhea, and he tells his mom “mom can I have some Viagra”, his mum replies, “what in the hell do you want that for”, the boy goes, “well dad always takes it when his sh*t can’t get hard”.

28. Asked my wife’s birthday what I should get My wife for her birthday, she goes “get her something she’d never get for herself”, so I got her a job.

29. What gets harder to lift the longer it stays with you? Women.

30. What starts with a ‘V’and helps girls get whatever they want? Their Voice.

31. If you want to live drama-free with your spouse, go to India. They don’t have beef with anybody.

32. Why did the bald man marry his comb? He swore he’d never path with it.

33. How did the newly engaged spiders meet?  On the web.

34. How do you remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once.

35. Love is blind, but marriage, marriage is an eye-opener.

36. I got married under a cell tower, the church was boring, but the reception was amazing.

37.  So two nuclear technicians got married yesterday, the bride was glowing and the groom was radiant.

38. Did you hear about the notebook that got hitched to the pencil? Guess it finally found its Mr.  Write.

39. It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.

40. What did one boat say to the other? Are you ready for a little row-mance.

41. What’s the punishment for polygamy? Having multiple mothers-in-law.

42. Could have joined a gang, but my wife wants me home by 8.

43. The secret to a happy marriage is, still a secret.

44. Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife, whenever he goes out for work,  why don’t you ever do that.

Me: I can’t, I don’t think her husband will like that very much.

45. Marriage is like a video game, easy at the beginning and gets harder as you go in, And before you know it you’re online looking for ways to cheat.

46. My doctor said I needed to at least break a sweat once in a while, so I started lying to my wife.

47. A man is incomplete without a wife, then he gets married and he’s completely finished.

48. Thomas the bee get married today, guess he found his honey.

49. Marriage is like a bar of soap, It looks and smells good until you bite into it.

50. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

Marriage is a blessing, it’s one of the best gifts in the world, to share your life with someone you love and seek your happily ever after together. However, hope we at least added a little spice to the mix and gave you and your partner something to laugh about together, it’s our little wedding gift.

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