They are fewer things that can get you rolling on the floor than dirty jokes for mature minds, though they might be embarrassing at certain scenes, but tell them right to the right people and you’ll have people laughing so hard they won’t be able to breathe for a while.

Jokes are fun and all, but dirty jokes are the Japanese Waygu of comedy (look premium Japanese wagyu up if you don’t know what it is already) and you know what here we are with the 70 of the best.

See also: Adult Jokes That That Will Make You Laugh Without Control

70 best new dirty jokes for mature minds.

1. I Tried telephone sex,  but the holes were too small.

2. What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine.

3. I want you inside me, the toaster said to the bread.

4. What did the sign say outside the closed brothel? Beat it we’re closed.

5. Life is like a penis, soft, simple, and relaxed. Then a woman comes in a boom it’s hard.

6. What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Wood? He stops after the third Ho.

6. Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year, and when he comes it’s through the chimney.

8. What’s the best part of a garden? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

9. A man was lying on the bed with his new girlfriend after having great sex, his girlfriend was rubbing on his balls because it was what she loved doing and he asked her why do you love doing that so much? She replied, “because I really miss mine”.

10. A wale during ejaculation can release about 40 gallons of sperm, and only 10% enters the female. And you ask why the sea is salty.

11. I told her she was the only flower in my garden and she believed. Have you ever seen any garden with one flower? 

12. A mom was taking a bath with her kid and the child goes “mom what is this furry thing down there”, “it’s a sponge” she replied, ” well that’s right I saw the maid cleaning Dad’s face with it”.

13. “PUSSYLIPS” one word or should I spread them apart.

14. Sometimes love is like a fart.  If you have to force it it’s probably crap. 

15. What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? Men actually try to find a golf ball.

16. Husband: honey I have a problem

Wife: never say I, rather say we. We are a married couple and we share everything.

Husband: okay dear we got the neighbor pregnant.

17. I bought a racehorse and named it my face. I don’t care if he wins, I just wanna hear people at the race scream “come on my face”, “come on my face”, “come on my face”.

18. While masturbation is a touchy issue, oral sex is entirely a matter of taste.

19. Man: Siri why am I single?

Siri: Turns on the front camera.

20. When a girl takes off her cloth in from of you it’s either she’s into you,  ur level 99 friend zone, or she hasn’t spotted you in the tree yet.

21. Nurse: you may not feel anything from the waist down.

22. Man: just the tits then?

Her: you beat it while I was gone

Him: bangbros Just released a ne… 

Her: what!?

Him: oh you mean the game.

23. I can see me, cumming in your hair tonight … Or whatever Phil Collins said.

24. Pussy is like a piece of roof, if you don’t nail it well enough, it’ll end up at the neighbor’s place.

25. What did the dirty contractor say to the homeowner? Employ us and make sure your next erection is in good hands.

26. The problem with being ginger is, everyone knows whose pube hair is on the soup.

27. Do you realize if you’re sitting on the toilet paper from 11:59 till its midnight, it’s the same shit different day.

28. What is it called when a chameleon can’t change its color anymore? A reptile Dysfunction

29. What do you call a book written by a male cattle? A bunch of bull-sheet.

30. A man goes into a store to buy a condom “do you want a bag” the cashier asks,  “no she’s not that ugly”.

31. Dad: son you wanna hear a joke

Son: yes dad

Dad: pussy

Son: I don’t get it

Dad: exactly.

32. The best engine is a vagina, It can be started with one finger, it’s self-lubricating, it changes its Own oil every 4 weeks, it can accommodate any size piston. It’s a pity though that the management system is so temperamental.

33. Husband to wife “how many people have you slept with”, the wife answered, ” I have only slept with you alone… The rest managed to keep me awake”.

34. How is a wife similar to a tornado? They both scream at you when they come and they take your house when they leave.

35. I look at people sometimes and think… Really, this the sperm that won.

36. I wanna suck it and lick it make it all wet. That’s how I lick my lollipop.

37. Oral sex makes your day, snap sax makes your hole week.

38. A little girl walks into her parents’ room and screams “what the hell,  and you want me to see a doctor for sucking my thumb”.

39. Where does Santa find the girls he shaggs? In the naughty list.

40. Guy: spell “me”

Girl: M-E

Guy: stop where’s the D

Girl: there’s no D in “me”

Guy: not yet 🙂

41. Bigbustycoons.  Com

Dirty-minded people are gonna read it one-way normal people are gonna read it as big bust tycoons.  Com.

42. How do you circumcise a Lannister? Kick his sister in the jaw.

43. Which of these do not belong, wife, meat, egg, or blowjob? You can beat the egg wife and your meat, but u can’t beat a blowjob.

44. What’s The difference between horny and hungry? Where u stick the meat.

45. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a good year and one’s a great year.

46. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?  Gag!

47. How do you know a mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

48. What do a burnt pizza, a frozen pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who didn’t take it out on time.

49. Why Was The young bride so quiet on her wedding night? She was thought to never talk with her mouth full.

50. Why are women called chicks? Because they produce eggs…  And they love cocks.

51. What do you do when your cat’s dead? You play with your neighbors pussy instead.

52. What is the difference between a fridge and a vagina? When you take your meat out of the fridge it doesn’t fart. 

53. What does an anniversary a clit and the toilet have in common? Men usually miss all three.

54. What’s white and 13 inches long?  Nothing.

55. What’s black and long?  The line at Popeye’s.

56. What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm read for free.

57. A koala bear had sex with a prostitute, and after he got up to leave. The prostitute asked him to pay up but the koala bear looked at her in surprise. So she breaks out a dictionary and shows him the meaning of prostitute. The koala bear Grabs the dictionary and shows her koala bear:- eats shoots and leaves.

58. What’s does a kitchen tile have in common with a man? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk over them all the time.

59. Did you hear about the kidnapping last night? Don’t worry he’s awake now.

60. What do hillbillies do on Halloween?  They pump-kin.

61. Two eggs boiling in the pot one says to the other, “you’re so hot”, and it replies “stop, am not even hard yet”.

62. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alterboy.

63. What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that’ll bring tears to your eyes.

64. What do the female reindeer do when Santa’s out delivering presents with the male reindeers? They go into town and blow a few bucks.

65. What is the difference between a hippy chick and a pizza? You don’t have to cut the crust off a pizza before you eat it.

66. What does a walrus have in common with Tupperware? Both like a tight seal.

67. What do tofu and a dildo have in common? Both are meat substitutes.

68. What did the pens say to the condom? Cover, I am going in.

69. What happens when you make an Asian girl Squirt?  She charges you 10$ for extra sauce.

70. What do You call a virgin lying and a water bed? Cherry float.

71. What’s long, hard and has cum in it?  A cucumber.

72. What does a woman and a bar have in common.. Liq-our in the front poke-er in the back.

73. What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies.

74. Why did the Russian wife kick out His husband? Because he was pootin.

75. Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? Because they can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

 

I Hope this has put a smile on your face today.

These jokes can be shared only in mature circles, and with people who have a good sense of humor. Maybe your parents even, though we don’t recommend that.

If you have other dirty jokes you’d like to share with us, write them down at the comment section below.